Monday, February 23, 2009


I think that God has been trying to bring to himself for years. I have strayed and returned, multiple times. Its not that i totally give up on God, its more of a running from Him and his calling in my life. I find that he continues to try and renovate my soul, bringing back to intimacy. The problem is that I run, i dont let Him in. I want to keep my self to myself! As much as God desires t orenovate me and make me whole in Him, He cannot do it without me allowing Him to have control and take ALL of me. Denying myself daily is what it will take....check that, denying myself EVERY MOMENT, EVERY BREATH, is the answer i seek. I must deny myself and surrender all to Christ in order to truly live. Its so funny that to truly live, i have to give it all up. Everything i hold dear and find important and even feel good about is not life. Sure i can still ejoy some of it "All In" with Christ, but it cannot take precedence over my King. I must allow God to take all of me and renovate my soul and heart into His desire for His creation. I have no right to live my life in my own way, i do not belong to myself....i belong to Christ, i must let Him do with me, what he wishes. As a strong willed, stubborn summabitch, i have to let go....of ALL of ME......Its very difficult for me, but it will be so rewarding. this journey has been long and taken many twists and turns, but i am going to do what it takes t oserve my King wholly....not half-assed.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

So i just watched Elizabethtown. I loved it. I thought it was wa great story of a man and his father, and finding his love. I dont desire such an elaborate journey, but i would love to meet someone that made me feel alive like Drew in the movie did. He was at his wits end, fired, suicidal.....and the death of his father brought him life and love. I obvioudly dont want that story, but i want to find that person that makes me alive and feel like i am free again. For too long i have grown cynical and pessimistic in regards to the dating scene. I got burnt by a few ladies and it hurt so i blocked myself form the idea of dating. I have been out of it and have not felt a true attraction in years. That stopped the other night as i pondered on someone i know and enjoy. I finally, after 4 years, actually decided that i enjoyed a girl so much that i desired her companionship (in the non physical way of course) was a milestone. Who knows if she is gonna ever be a part of my romantic life, but it doesnt matter...she broke the mindset i have had for years.Recently i interacted with a girl and felt something i havent felt it years.....i felt a romantic connection. A connection tha i cannot describe as anything else more that n "Lightning running through my veins, everytime i look at you" (thank you David Gray) i am encourage and i look forward to moving forward in life, putin my self back out there...looking past the hurt and looking to the future....

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Pits of despair

The more we've become accustomed to seeking life apart from God, the more "abnormal and stressful" it is to "look for God directly."

This quote, blazingly true, is unfortunately the end result of many rich christian's lives. The current state, so to speak. I know from experience that if we do not cultivate, do not feed, but constrict our spiritual lives, we will be at this point. A point, not of no return, but a point of stagnant despair in which we cannot seem to muster the strength and will to claw our way out of the depths. It reminds me of a path, walking towards and with God, only to see something shiny to our right or left and "go check it out". Wether this shiny thing is a sin, or even something less evil like an activity, person or group, it distracts us from God so much that we continue to walk towards it, and away from God. Seeking this object seems harmless at first, and maybe it is harmless, until we let our focus of of Christ. At this point we realize we have fallen into a trap of sin and instead of heading back towards God we keep getting more tangled up in this snare. Eventually we are so entangled we stay. When we try to get out, we easily give up because it is too stressful or weird to try and reach for God, we have lost our intimacy and direction in life due to affairs of this world. The desire to reach back to God is there but we have made it "abnormal" to seek God because we have maintained focus on this shiny object instead, only to find out it was a trap and we cannot get out no matter how hard we try.
But thats just it, we cannot remove our self from this snare, we must rely in the God we neglected, the God that has the power to raise the dead. Our God, Our Savior. Seek God in these moments and trials, getting back the intimacy with God is not easy, it is HARD, TOUGH, and outright DIFFICULT. But God can easily remove us from this trap, place us back in the right path and lead us towards himself. This is not easy as i said, we must remain in community, prayer and training our mind with scriptures. The trail we are on, is not easy and the only way we can navigate it is with a map. The map is nothing more than, community, prayer and training our selves with scripture. This is the map to regeneration, the map to rejuvenation and the map to reconciliation with Christ. The compass is Holy Spirit, follow his direction and your life will be on the right path. DIfficulties will still arise and new or old shiny objects will draw us off the path, but if we focus on Christ in these moments, we can get back on track easier and with less pain and difficulty. Life will be tough, weary and heavy on the soul, but God is stronger, reviving and his burden is light. Reaching back to God through fellowship, scripture and prayer is vital if we are to become intimate with God again if you have been snared. The importance of a bible study, accountability and support base of Godly friends is necessary in this life. Do not shy away from sharing your struggles with tight knit friends, this will free you, although in your mind it will weaken you it in fact will STRENGTHEN YOU against your struggles. Reach out to God, Cry out to Him, he is faithful.