Galatians 1:10 For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am i trying to please man? If i were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.
As i let the fullness of this statement sink in, my mind is filled with thoughts that i don't want to entertain, let alone admit. Luckily, few people read this, let alone know who i am, as i write under a pseudonym. The thoughts of pleasing man over God cause me to shiver with the thought that i long for man's approval most the time. Pleasing man (or woman) seems to be fulfilling, but seeking after this acknowledgment is self-seeking. I seek the approval of man so that they will accept me, or like me for being relevant and interesting. In other words, that i provide some sort of inherent value to them that will cause me to become, to a certain extent, noticed. Then maybe, just maybe, i will become liked by mankind. Then if i should ever be so lucky, i will find a woman who does not disdain my flaws and find love. My life is nothing more than a 1970 VW mini-bus that is trying to get people to "get on board" with my existence enough that i can trick them into thinking that i am really a state-of-the-art tour bus that is full of fun and adventure. I want people to like me and i want them to like me more than i want God to love me sometimes. My life, in its current carnal state, has been in a constant fluctuation of God-World-God-World. I long for God, yet i must not really long for Him because i turn to the pleasures and acceptance of the world over Him.
These words of Paul cut to the current state of my existence. I am not serving God, i am not serving Christ in the manner i am called to. My life needs to be denied. I must deny myself, and take up Christ. Words that sound simple, yet are so hard. What does God want out of us? What do we truly have to offer a God of infinite worth and majesty? A God of love and grace? I have nothing of value to offer God. Absolutely nothing, my life is a failure of existence in which sin perverts my mind and cause me to seek after fleeting pleasures and temporary moments of false joy. Sin has become like a drug that sucks me in and getting that next fix becomes all that my life is about. Drug addicts are reliant upon the next "fix', much like i am reliant on the fleeting pleasures of sin. Going to the depths of a cyclical sin attachment has cause me to become numb to my existence and even the existence of those that i love. I live in a daze of numbness that envelopes all that i am. A Haze that permeates my mind and causes me to become distant from everyone, including my savior. I sometimes feel like i have become the Usain Bolt of running from God, his call on my life as well as running from his commands. My heart cries out to a God of mercy, a God who is graceful and sovereign.
The one thing that comes to my mind in all of the depths of depression from sin, is that He lives. He lives so that i might live. This brings me back to a question. What do we have to offer God? The answer is nothing, but the answer is also everything. We were created as beings that are not complete. And in our incompleteness we have nothing to offer a God who is perfect. We have nothing to offer God for we are sinners, imperfect. We cannot be in the presence of God due to our iniquity. But Chris came to cover us in His blood, each sin we have and will commit have been washed and forgiven by Christ. Christ came and took all of our sin upon himself and died a sinners death in order that we may have access to the father. We are selfish individuals, this is why i say we also have everything to offer Christ. The most difficult thing for a person to do is to deny himself and give it all in self sacrifice. Christ did this, so that we may live with God and be in the presence of his Glory. Although we have nothing to offer Him, if we off everything that we are, we will experience Him. I must give Him ALL of my life, sacrificing all that i am, because he sacrificed all that He was, in order that i can have All that HE is. My life, for His Glory.