Sunday, May 17, 2009

Thoughts from a road trip...

Letting go. At some points in our life we must get past our self and into Christ. Currently I am living my life stuck in neutral, and not moving on to the next part of my life. I’ve become self-focused and self-centered, ignoring my saviors calls by choosing for myself fleeting pleasures of a sinful life. Defeated, broken and destroyed I choose to “heal” myself through my own ambitions and the feeling that one or two half way sincere prayers will lift me out of the darkness into perfect union with God again. I keep cycling through the same moments, reach a point of “freedom” only to fall back down into the depths…or do I hold on too much. By holding on to the past and my own desires I do not allow God to step in and move my soul through the darkness sufficiently and into the light found in His arms. My life has changed, yet I am living as if it hasn’t by holding on to sin patterns and holding on to my own desires. When will I realize that my desires are not of value and it is God’s desires for my life that are sufficient to lead me into this next stage of life that I am denying to reach. Denying God to hold on to a state of life that I no longer need to be in is the act of insanity and self-denial that I long to leave behind…. literally and figuratively. The act of letting go can be nothing that I will myself but rather something I must let God do. The cycle of sin that I have is not healthy and it rots my soul. I feel good, then crash, feel bad…. repeat. I need to let God control my life and let Him take me to where he wants me. I cannot control my spirituality as much as I think. God is the catalyst, there may be certain reagents, but God is the catalyst and I am nothing more than a substance that he moves and activates. I cannot make myself into a spiritual being, it must be done by God. Letting go of myself, and leaving it in the hands of a savior that is worthy of completing my broken puzzle of a life, He is the key, He is the front of the box with the whole picture on it. I cannot put myself together, God is the one who sees where the pieces go and I must let him complete all the crooked pieces into a masterpiece. I feel as though he puts the puzzle together by starting at the center (heart) and work his way out by eventually smoothing out the edges that complete our puzzle of a life. I long for the master of my soul and life to complete my brokenness and build me into a masterpiece. My king is bigger than me and my sin patterns. I pray he will move through me like a lightning bolt, resuscitating the dead and completing me. God take me and move in me, let me let go of all things holding me back from freedom in you…freedom is what I long for.

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